Friday, October 19, 2007

Bri-Bug

October 19th is always a difficult day for me and I'm sure the rest of my family. 15 years ago today, my little sister Brianne Marie Probst died. She had cancer - a tumor in her brain. She was 13 when she died, I was 15 and my brother was 11. It was and still is horrible. I hate that my husband never met her, my kids don't know their Aunt Brianne. Every year, a little more of my memories of her slip away. I don't remember her voice and at times I can't really picture what she looked like. I never know how to act on October 19th. I'm sad but don't want to talk about why I am sad. It's a little harder to get out of bed in the morning.

On the night she died, she had been struggling to breath for days. I remember that my mom leaned down and whispered, "It's ok, you don't have to fight anymore, go to Jesus." Her next breath was her last and she went to Jesus.

I don't know why I just wrote about that but it's what keeps playing over in my head today. I miss my sister.

2 comments:

Bella said...

Jess,
Your post was powerful, real, and honest. God is using your experience, your response, your raw and exposed heart, to teach, to touch, to open eyes wide to what He is like and what He wants us to know.
You translate evasive emotions that most people do not even know how to turn and face, into vivid meaningful words.
I am so sorry for your pain, and I know you dearly miss your sister.
I pray God will give you strength through this journey/time as I do not believe there is ever a time frame to get through the grieving, it becomes a journey through life.

jess mac said...

Thank you for being so transparent. I cried. Your strength is amazing, but it is ok to mourn.